GETTING MY MENTAL HEALTH IN CHECK

May 28, 2018

GETTING MY MENTAL HEALTH IN CHECK

*Disclaimer, I will be one hundred percent, without a doubt, honest about my mental health in this post. If any of it triggers you, I am very sorry but I feel it is something we shouldn't be afraid of starting a conversation about! If you ever need to talk, I'm always here and please don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it!*

My mental health has been an uphill battle ever since I was little I feel. I've always been a sad kid at heart, emotionally labile and angrily irrational at times*I blame most of this on being a middle child (;* I had issues being bullied at school for being the chunkier kid or not smelling the best (depression makes you not want to do self care tasks i.e. taking a shower). And in the 7th grade that's when I feel my depression really took over.

The 7th grade was a confusing time, for me. Obvious hormone changes, boys, emotions I didn't even know how to cope with yet. This is when I started to self harm. And I know, self harm is a very scary thing to talk about but, I feel that it needs to be talked about, not to normalize it, but to know the signs so you can one day see them in someone else! I will write a whole post about self harm but for now I will just talk about my struggles with it. I just want to make one thing clear, not everyone whom self harms is suicidal and not everyone who is suicidal self harms.

Self harm can mean a number of things, I'm not going to go into detail at this time to avoid any gory visuals. For me, it was more of a release of pain, never to try and end my life. Although, I was suicidal for a very long time, self harm was never an attempt. A release of pain for me means that I was in so much emotional and mental turmoil that I needed a physical pain to make it focused somewhere other than internal. I never told anyone about my self harm but I remember this boy in one of my middle school classes saw self harm on my arm and grabbed my arm and looked at it. He said "I swear to god if this is what I think it is, I'm going to be so mad". I brushed it of as a not so serious scratch, went to the bathroom to cry, and he never talked to me about that again.

I'd like to say that the self harm stopped after middle school or even high school but, It's like it came in waves. Sometimes I'd be doing okay and then I'd fall into a depressive state and I'd go back to self harm as my unhealthy coping skill. What was really tough for me in high school and on was my suicidal ideation. It seems that I had gotten the self harm under wraps for the most part but, I struggled with a will to live. I'd like to say it was mostly from stress about school but to be hones
t, school was kind of a breeze for me. I believe I was just stressed and anxious about everything in general. My self harm and suicidal ideation would be the most prevalent during my panic attacks. I would have a panic attack, feel like my world is crashing, hyperventilate, I'd feel like there is no reason to live, and then I would self harm, if not, think about self harm.

Senior Year I had the hardest time with wanting to go on, day to day. Someone who really helped me was, my psychology teacher, Mr. Wooldridge. Wooldy would let me talk to him in between classes, he would give me the motivation to go to my next class and he gave me the hope that things will get better in the future. He never once doubted me and he is the reason I wanted to work in the mental health field. Hugging him on my graduation day and being able to email him now every once in a while makes me so happy and grateful for people like him.

After high school when I took my first semester of college is when I truly felt like my world was crashing down on me. I was working as a CNA, a very tough job when your mental health is not the best. I wasn't doing the best in those classes which was a change of pace to say the least. I had just got my job at the hospital and I was having a panic attack almost every single day. And let me tell you, working in a 'psych ward' while you yourself are struggling with mental illnesses is hard, one of the hardest things I've had to overcome. After I failed most of my classes, quit the CNA job for a while and really took the time to do self care I was finally feeling like my self. And then, a depressive episode came once again.

This time I was living with my boyfriend. He didn't know how to handle mental illnesses (i.e. my post about Having Loved Ones Whom Don't Believe in Mental Illnesses). I was having panic attacks every other day until about a month and a half ago. (my boyfriend is now a master of getting me out of a panic attack and comforting me when I need him the most). Working in Mental Health I have the advantage of having Psychiatrists and mental health professionals floating around me like superheroes often, and I took advantage of that! I talked with a trusted psychiatrist and she recommended to me one of our outpatient docs that she really liked, I booked an appointment with her and it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

Now that I have had two appointments with my psychiatrist, I've been on meds for almost two months and I am very proud to say that I currently have no suicidal ideation, I have not self harmed once, I have only had one panic attack and I am in a over all better mood! Jonathon and I have been getting along better (it was really rough there for a while). The medication combo that is working for me currently is 15mg of Lexapro and 100mg of Gabapentin as a PRN for anxiety. Now, I still am anxious and emotional at times but this is the best I've felt ever. I know there is a stigma about medication for treating mental health but not every med works for everyone and the brain is a tricky organ.

My social anxiety has been getting better, I've been finding myself wanting to go out with friends more often and having more fun when I am out. I've been in a over all better mood and I feel that my mental health has never been better! I am hopeful for the future and am very happy with how far I've come!

I plan on seeing a therapist, continuing meds, getting my physical health back on track and really making an effort on loving myself. I never want to feel the way I did before and I would never wish that on anyone. Not everyone is as lucky as I am and has the resources so easily accessible so I definitely feel grateful for where I am in life.

If anyone is dealing with mental illnesses untreated I would like to say that there is hope and to please seek help, even if you feel that it's not that serious, please talk to someone, reach out for help, Because it is SO normal to feel the way you are feeling, and you deserve to be happy. Remember, you never know what someone else is going through so please be kind.

As Always, Thank You for Reading,

UnordinaryBlogger